Alexia and Erica Can’t Fix It.But We Have Thoughts. (Wedding/Baby Edition)
The cherished Alexia Côté is back for another ever-popular all-advice episode. Why do weddings make everyone regress to five years old? What is the difference between reasonable boundaries and Bridezilla territory? Does it make any sense to have children when the planet is melting and your favourite thing to do is read books and travel? Alexia and Erica can’t fix it. But we have thoughts.
Tune in for Listener Questions From:
I Feel Like the Dad Card Just Won’t Cut It. She’s been saving up for a destination wedding in Italy. But now her bf’s ex is refusing to take care of his seven-year-old and he says they should just stay home.
Am I a Bridezilla or Is My Brother Being a Turd? Her brother is pouting because AIABOIMBBAT didn’t invite his short-term, mean-girl significant other to her tiny, low-budget wedding. Who is the jerk here?
Meant to Be Mother-to-Be? A classic vascillation over the pros and cons of kids with the call of library books at the end of the world.
To get in the spirit of Alexia’s imminent wedding, our very half-bad ukulele segment is DANCING QUEEN. Listen to the end, turn down the volume, and sing along!
Alexia has an imminent Fringe show, and she’s fun fun fun. Follow her on Instagram @sidealexia so you don’t miss a beat. Scroll down for the full listener questions. If you get cut off, visit the extensive shownotes on Erica’s website.
Mixing, Ukulele, and Cover Art by Erica J. Schmidt in Montréal, Quebec.
Follow Erica on Facebook or Instagram or check out her website at ericajschmidt.com. You can also make her day by sending her a listener question to any of these places.
More Alexia on This Is Your Strange and Beautiful Life
Episode 10: Wishing on a Star with Alexia Côté
Episode 20: Alexia and Erica Can’t Fix It. But We Have Thoughts (First Edition)
Episode 30-something: Alexia and Erica Can’t Fix It. But We Have Thoughts (Summer Sprinkles Edition)
Listener Question from I Feel Like the Dad Card Just Won’t Cut It
Dear Erica and Alexia,
My boyfriend is 39 and I am 26. We’ve been dating for five years. He has a 7-year-old-daughter. A close friend of mine is getting married in Italy this June, and we’re invited. It’s a child-free wedding. I’ve been saving up and counting down the days to this trip.
But last night, he told me his ex suddenly changed her mind and won’t switch custody weeks with him, meaning he’ll have his daughter during the wedding. I asked why, and he said she just changed her mind. Then she suggested that we pay for her and their daughter’s tickets and accommodations so she can come along and watch their daughter while we enjoy the wedding. I was upset. That makes no sense. Just switch the weeks and it’s all good. I don’t want his ex to come on vacation with us.
My boyfriend’s solution? Skip the wedding. I told him no. First, the RSVP date has already passed. Second, I really want to go to this wedding and visit Italy. So, I’m going.
He says it makes him uncomfortable if I go alone because it looks bad for me to show up solo. I told him if it bothers him that much, then maybe he should figure something out with his ex so he can come too. He says he’s tried everything, but she won’t budge, and he doesn’t want to feel like he’s abandoning his kid.
I’m so frustrated. What should I do at this point? I’ve rarely asked for anything that was important to me in our relationship, and I feel like he is not being very receptive to my preferences here.
Love, I Feel Like the Dad Card Just Won’t Cut It
Listener Question from Am I a Bridezilla or Is My Brother Being a Turd?
Dear Erica and Alexia,
My partner and I are expecting our first child this fall and have decided to have a small intimate court wedding with family only. Literally just his parents, my parents, his sister + common law partner and my brother. No best friends, extended family or extras as this is us just exchanging vows, signing legal documents and going for lunch afterwards. We figured we want to keep it as small and as stress free as possible for me since I’m pregnant and I had a miscarriage in the past due to high levels of stress, plus next year we'll throw a party to celebrate with everyone and it will be a great way to introduce our child.
However, my brother is having feelings about his new girlfriend (of 6 months) not being invited. He says he doesn't want to feel like she's not welcome and that he would love to bring her especially since my partner’s sister is bringing her partner. I explained the situation and explained that she would be invited to the party next year and then if we have a baby shower (still up in the air) she would be invited to that. My partner’s sister’s partner has been part of the family for the past 2 years. We just want to keep the ceremony small plus financially we are a bit tight this year. It’s a lot for us to pay for the whole thing ourselves as well as treat the family to lunch afterwards. Even though we're doing it so small we're already over $3000 in (rings, court fees, etc). My partner is the only one working and I'm not trying to add any extra financial burden on him. I'm not even getting a wedding dress.
And truth be told, I've seen my brother in and out of so many relationships that end so quickly and I don't want one of his previous flings as a memory on my day. The little time I have spent around her, I feel she doesn't like me much nor do I really like her. I mean at Christmas, my brother made such a big fuss about inviting her (they’d been dating 2-3 months) to my partner’s parents place and even though I wasn't comfortable (our families were meeting for the first time), I made that exception for him and she took a mean girl shot at me (made a snarly comment with a smirk and walked away). So why should I have someone at my wedding that I barely know, so far don't like much and really don't feel comfortable around? When my mom met her, she didn’t have many kind words to say about her, and that's rare for my mom. So I'm stuck thinking am I being a bridezilla or do my feelings make sense?
I have always felt my brother puts his comfort and personal feelings before anyone else's. If 2 people are chatting and he feels he's not part of the conversation he makes a big stink about feeling left out. He'll do things like rearrange the furniture in my bedroom and take things for his personal use and if my partner or I touch anything of his, he gets upset. He also got upset that we started locking our bedroom door as he felt he couldn't store his extra stuff when we weren't there. I feel like I'm always giving in to his feelings and his reasons. Truly this one time I just don't want it to be about him and what he wants, I just want it to be about me and my partner. Is that wrong of me?
Love, Am I a Bridezilla or Is My Brother Being a Turd?
Listener Question Meant to Be Mother-to-Be?
Dear Alexia and Erica,
I’m 34. I still haven’t figured out if I should have kids or not. Currently I have a boyfriend, who is also not sure if he wants kids or not.
I really go back and forth. Sometimes I feel like with climate change, it’s frightening to bring new life into the world, knowing what is coming by 2050. I also find that some of the things that bring me most joy in life are things like quiet afternoons reading and introverting, and travelling, both of which would become significantly more challenging with kids in the picture. I also worry that if I had a child, I would not like them. This likely sounds terrible, but I have worked with multiple people who regret having kids, so I’m aware that this happens, even if it’s rarely talked about publicly.
Other times, I feel like it would bring a lot of joy and meaning to have a child, and that I would really regret it if I never had them.
I have thought a lot about having a kid on my own, if my partner decides he doesn’t want children. Both of my sisters raised children partly with a partner, and partly solo, and found solo-parenting significantly easier. I also have more financial stability than either of my sisters do, which would take the edge off.
I am wondering if either of you have had similar challenges with deciding to have kids, and if so, what helped you to decide? Open to hearing many perspectives here.
Love, Meant to Be Mother-to-Be?
Thank you as always to Taes Leavitt (darling big sister, Big Heart Journey), Sherwin Tjia (technical and creative advisor, Sherwin’s Quirky Events), and my dearly departed aunt Eileen Gun, whose generous gift helped to fund my new podcast equipment. Thank you so much for listening! Stay tuned for more episodes extra soon. Don’t forget to follow This Is Your Strange and Beautiful Life on your favourite podcast platform. And if you enjoyed the episode, I would be immensely grateful if you could share it with a friend and/or leave a kind and enthusiastic rating and review.
This Is Your Strange and Beautiful Life is brought to you by Lil and Bud dog cards, purchasable at ericajschmidt.com/merch. If you would like to sponsor the podcast, I would love to plug your product, service, or project as long as it doesn’t harm any people or their bodies. Please get in touch via my website or Instagram.
